It is painful to do the research for my book, especially in this period because I am feeling very sad due to many unrelated factors in my life.
The research takes me back to a painful past. To the lies behind how one can lose weight to feel beautiful and elated. To achieve a dream that can never be real no matter how many make up you buy or how many numbers you lose on the scale. The research takes me to a period in which one can read about the disastrous side of bulimia or anorexia but then she or he ignores it because it seems the easiest way to lose the excess weight.
At a time when one felt beautiful because the bones could be felt through the clothes. Mentally free from too much food eating. Feeling fat when the scale was telling you differently. You feel fat, when people thought you were so beautiful.
Like someone might write you think anorexia or bulimia is out of you life forever. Just wait until you are surprisingly re-introduced to your past demons.
When you recover, people will say “You were so skinny and beautiful when I first saw you.” They will bite their lips for letting those words slip and say “No, I don’t mean you are fat now. You were very beautiful when I first met you!”
The demons will come back to face you gain and tell you they are right your old jeans don’t fit any longer. You are FAT. You are FAT and FAT!
Even the one I love told “You not ugly but you were so beautiful when I first met you.” That statement slip his thought.
He thinks some of his skinny female colleagues are beautiful, what if they are suffering from bulimia or anorexia and they pretend to eat in front of him and then run into the bathroom to vomit?
I am reading some blogs dedicated to people suffering from the illness. Today I was inspired by one of the reader’s story to write a comment. 2Medusa
Dalal, your story has touched me so much. It’s hit home! I can relate because there is a misconception of anorexia/bulimia and race.
You are so, so beautiful and I don’t know who told you you’re not, because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, you deserve to live without ED.
I’ve been trying to write a story about a Black girl who fell into the trap of ED for so long and your words:
“Oh yeah, and that black girls don’t make themselves throw up. Only white girls do. Well. Here I am – a black girl who created a life to hide the fact that she hates her body – a black girl who can hide behind the fact that black girls don’t do that stuff and who doesn’t know where to go for help other than some random website that made her cry as she read the stories and said to herself…that’s me. That’s me.”
has helped me get back on track and show the world that they are more people out there who need a focus to be able to heal from ED.
I hope you get better soon, because you are brave to share your story; it is a close step to healing.
Thanks for sharing your story again.
That story has shown me that Susannah’s story must be told as soon as possible, because the illness is still destroying some girls and boys’ lives.
I was lucky to come out by myself but I don’t know if Susannah can come out easily like that.